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The Best Rules In The NBA’s Return Plan Handbook

The NBA has released their 113 page plan, and it is extensive. The rules range from testing protocols to how they should play cards. These were my favorite guidelines stipulated in the safety handbook:

No caddies in golf.

  • As a former caddie myself, I mourn the loss of high paying loops for these fine gentlemen. I also cannot fathom what kind of reads these players will be making on the glass-like greens found in the Disney World sports complex. @KingJames, the ball always rolls towards the water, remember that.

No doubles ping pong.

  • “Only one re-rack is allowed and if we see your elbow over the line it’s a flagrant 2”

Players must wear a mask while playing cards, and throw away the deck after a game.

  • This is David Blaine’s worst trick yet.

No sharing goggles or snorkels.

  • Reminds me of the fateful day when I lost the only snorkel I ever owned, at the hands of my 4 year old sister, who was in the middle of a legendary tantrum, the likes of which have been seldom seen since. That snorkel still haunts me from the bottom of the lake. What were we talking about again.

Players will not be tested for recreational drugs, but have been advised by the league that marijuana is illegal in Florida and at Disney World.

  • Please see the above remarks to get a firsthand look at what reefer madness can do to your brain. Side note, Mickey Mouse has become a huge mushrooms guy.

Players will be required to wear a device that will set off an audio alert when within six feet of another person for longer than five seconds.

  • Taking one right out of China’s playbook! Maybe after seeing this Xi Jinping will have a change of heart about his Houston Rockets ban. He won’t, and in all seriousness the players have voiced concerns about privacy throughout all of this, and they are valid points considering what the level of control the league wants to impose here.

Each team that advances into the conference semifinals will have the option of reserving up to 17 additional hotel rooms for invited guests. Teams can add two staffers after advancing past the first round of the playoffs, and two more after the conference semifinals.

  • Instagram models being quarantined in a Disney hotel room for NBA players is not a scenario i expected to see in 2020. Also, imagine being the staffers that only make the cut if their team makes it to the semifinals.

Anonymous hotline to report violations

  • “Hello yes Mr. Silver, the Clippers are smoking what seems to be a jazz cigarette and are most certainly not adhering to social distancing guidelines.” – JJ Redick

Players and team staff avoid spitting or clearing their nose on the court, wiping the ball with their jersey, licking their hands and unnecessarily touching their mouth guard during scrimmages and games.

  • “Clearing” your nose is a fantastic euphemism for picking your nose, and one I wish I was aware of when I would frequently “clear” my nose in grade school, as I think it would’ve saved me some grief. But in all reality, how are any of these things going to make any difference when the games are being played? I can fix this: “Players are also encouraged to avoid sweating and breathing heavily on each other.”

Cut down on high-fives, fist bumps and hugs

  • And especially no handshakes or dap ups, of any kind. Players are encouraged to wave enthusiastically at each other.

Players to maintain at least six feet of distance from one another, at least when they’re not on the court.

  • From the fine print: Anthony Davis, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Hassan Whiteside and Rudy Gobert must remain at least eight feet from each other****

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